Obedience

"Lord, what You will let it be so.
Where You will there I will go.
What is Your will help me to know."

One would probably notice that the lines above,
taken from Blessed Rupert Mayer's Prayer, has appeared
several times already in this blog. Strange because
I never really thought of using the lines again and again.
You see, I don't plan out my posts; I usually just push myself to
write on a blank page and see what comes out.
Then, it would take me hours of surfing through the net while praying
before I get to the right inspiration.
Thus, seeing the said lines again today tells me of something.

I'm feeling blank again. My heart is feeling nothing.
It's the "I don't care at all" feeling.
It's the "I just want to be alone and hide from the world" times.
It's those times when it's hard to lift my cheeks and smile.
It's those times when I feel so far away from God --
wanting to feel Him,
but nothing comes out.

I followed a link from a friend's blog.
It was about praising God.
I thought it wasn't for me to feel yet --
I need a more suiting topic.
On the same blog, I found what I was looking for.
It was a post on "line-item veto".
(Know more about it through the link below.)
Anyway, here are the lines that struck me.

"So if we are really this weak-willed, why is surrendering our will to God so difficult? Why do we hold on to the last shreds of "control" even when we have proven conclusively and repeatedly that the only decisions we stick to are the bad ones? Why do we stubbornly refuse to submit to God's lordship? Why is the human will such a stubborn weed?"

"We don't give God full control because we don't want to. Because deep down we fear that if we surrender totally to Him, He might not take our lives in the direction we want. We embrace His purposes for the big picture, but when that involves us losing our autonomy we flinch in the direction of some bauble we have our eyes on. Like a new car. Or a more lucrative career path. Or a relationship. We'll let Him drive, but we like to keep a hand near the steering wheel to make slight course adjustments when His path seems less optimal than our own."

http://scriptureandlife.blogspot.com/2010/01/line-item-veto.html

I must admit there are things in my life which
I haven't totally surrendered.
And these are, I think, impeding me from
connecting to God totally.
Obedience is a grace, you see.
Partial obedience is okay,
but the absolute is just way too difficult to do.

This perhaps explains why I keep on using
Bl. Rupert Mayer's prayer.
Something from deep within is asking me
to pray it by heart,
to totally submit myself and obey,
to let go and allow Him to drive for me,
to let go and give Him full control of my life.

"Because You will it, it is best.
 Because You will it, I am blessed.
 Till in Your hands, my heart finds rest."

There's God's answer right at the bottom of the prayer.
My heart finds rest in Him alone.